I came across this titled blog draft which Doug had started back in June. I figured I would share... I know it never made it to post as he stopped being able to really focus on writing shortly after he started this post and for him it was not fully complete. Fully complete or not, it is worth sharing to bring a bit of his writing back to all who continue to check in....
Last week during radiation I listened to mixes I had prepared on my ipod. They were only a hastily thrown together collection of songs intended to relax me and inspire me to will the cancer out of my body. I must admit I didn't spend enough time putting them together. To me making a mix of music is a daunting endeavour. Its not just a collection of your favorite songs, it can be a plan or a story, or even a resume of sorts. I remember the first mix tape I ever made very clearly, and can recall most of the songs in order. It was probably 1991, and the tape was for Missy. I spent hours making it. I had to delve into my parents vinyl collection and seek out songs from friends. In a way the tape was like a partial definition of myself that I was giving to Missy for approval or denial. When I found it in the tape deck of her car a couple weeks after giving it to her I was beyond relieved.
There was one song on that tape that I've put in every mix I've ever made. Its the kind of song that my dad would scoff at for lack of musical integrity, but for some reason it struck the right chord in me. The song is "Good Feeling" by the Violent Femmes. While the author's intent was probably related to sex, I've always pulled much more from the song. To me it is a reminder of all the "sweet spots" in life. Hitting a ball on the meat of the bat, getting big air on a snowboard and sticking the landing, the moment at a party when you realize all of your friends are laughing at once. These are the moments in life that are hard to take for granted.
Another significant mix I prepared was for my deployment to Kuwait. While I made quite a few mixes while I was there, this one was the most important. I made it on the long plane ride over. This was a "when the shit hits the fan" mix. If for some reason I found myself in combat, which would have been unlikely, I wanted a set of music that would carry me through it. It was meant to serve as an emotional plan so I could keep a level head in the face of something I wasn't truly prepared for.
About 3/4 of the way through my deployment I had the opportunity to go to Iraq. I don't remember the exact mission, but I was really excited to go. I wanted to see war first hand. I flew in a chinook which was cool except for the fact that it was 120 degrees inside. Many of the soldiers were passed out. We made it to Bagdad International Airport, which was now occupied by "the good guys" and stayed overnight. Unfortunately we had to leave the next day for some reason I don't recall. On the return trip I sat right next to the tail gunner and helped him throw bags of candy out the back of the bird to groups of Iraqi children on the ground chasing the helicopter. They'd obviously done this before. I thought it was funny that this was one of the methods invented by psyops to win the hearts and minds of the Iraqis. Suddenly I was jerked out of that thought by the realization that we were going down quickly. I learned it wasn't our chinook but the one we were flying with that had engine trouble. Soon the sergeant in charge was yelling at everyone to lock and load and prepare to set up a perimeter. We could see Iraqi men on the ground running towards us. I got my helmet on, my m16 ready and then set up my mix and pressed play. We landed with a thud and the guy in charge took off out of the tail door. He told us to sit tight. I really wanted to get out, but followed orders. He finally returned and told us to relax. The Iraqi men running towards us were a group of farmers coming to help. They could tell the other chinook was in trouble. I pressed stop on my cd player, no longer feeling the need to be bouyed up by my mix.
