The Adventure is Over

From the time Doug got diagnosed he called his Leukemia an "adventure."  As you know from the blog he did not approach it with anger or hate.  That is what likely kept him mostly smiling through seven months of suffering. 

I have always looked at the word adventure as a positive thing.  An adventure always evokes feelings of excitement about the unknown that you will be conquering.  Together we felt we would be able to conquer this.  Together everything we faced was more manageable.  After September 10th, everything got much more difficult as our adventure turned into a solo trek.  One, where I must be careful to navigate each day and each step.  I feel worn and defeated from our adventure.  I feel I have all but lost the strength I had during the previous seven months. 

Strength is easy to find when you are with someone who you love so deeply.  I heard more times from February to September, that people could not believe how I strong I was in the face of all that we had been dealt.  Doug made it easy to be strong.  Truly easy....I never really had to work at finding my strength, with him by my side.  Today, I find myself digging deep to find a different strength and I keep coming up short.  Sure, we have two amazing boys who keep me busy and smiling and right now do a lot of guiding me through my days.  But, there is a definite ache I can not cover over and can't imagine getting relief from.

I feel pain in my heart and in my gut. Emotions that were once controllable, seem to be uncontrollable.  I feel anger at all the suffering Doug endured over the last seven months to have this be the final outcome.  He was not cut one break along the way with his leukemia and fought harder than the doctors or nurses had seen any patient fight.  He wanted so badly to live which is what makes his death all that much harder and seemingly unfair.  All the prayers, all the support and his unfaltering will to beat this did not prevail.  I don't understand why, so it is damn hard to try and explain it to your 4.5 year old who wants to know, "why God took our daddy when we still need him."

Our adventure is over and the kids and I have started to embark on our trek.  A trek that will hopefully lead us to healing and happiness again over time and not have our lives be defined as the kids who lost their father to cancer and the woman who lost her husband to the same.

Writing was always an outlet for Doug.  When he got diagnosed with AML I too started writing.  It is hard not to - you need a place to put all your feelings down and get them out.  In the wake of overwhelming feelings, I figure why not let them out there.  It can't make things hurt anymore and maybe in some way can help me to feel release.  After all, we as a family will be < aml.