The Beat Goes On

They're here.  The holidays.  The time of year in which I am told things will be the hardest.  However, as we are full blown in season, these days have not been the most difficult.  In fact, I am kind of dreading the holidays coming to an end, as they inevitably bring some cheer.  Brogan and Ethan being almost 5 and 3 are full swing happy for the holidays.  The innocence and excitement they are filled with help to lift me.  I can bypass certain things such as Christmas cards which are too hard for me to acknowledge the new Crowell family, but I can't get away with letting go of too much. In some respects I guess I should be thankful that the "little" things remain my challenge.  They can sideswipe me just when I feel my feet might be touching the ground.  A simple trip to a store, a particular song, an amazing moonlit night, a lazy Sunday afternoon.

While the "little" things can weigh heavily depending on the day, it is also "little" things that bring me light.  The two little guys I wake up to every morning put life into perspective.  They give me reason to smile and can make me laugh unlike many.  We have found ourselves getting through our days with lots of music, singing and dancing.  I am actually not allowed to dance, which is just as well, but I have the sheer pleasure of watching the serious moves they've already mastered. They have a penchant for Michael Jackson and are particularly fond of Beat It and Wanna Be Startin' Something.  I often find myself watching them wondering, if Doug is looking down on us is he okay with his two boys rocking out to the King of Pop?  It's a fleeting thought.  He after all introduced them to Michael Jackson when our blu ray player came preloaded with videos.  And dancing, come on....Doug would rise to any occasion that involved dancing and often take over parties with his moves.  So, yes I am quite sure he is looking down on the situation proud of his boys and the inherited gene.  I am sure he is looking down on us happy that we are able to find small and simple pleasures to keep us smiling.

People are always asking us how we are doing with a pained look.  We are doing okay.   We deal with our emotions.  We talk - a lot.  We don't avoid feelings.  We don't try to pretend our life is something it is not or that we are in any different place than where we are as we grieve.  Honestly we are probably feeling about as well as half of Americans, the only difference is that it is okay for us to admit it.  We have been through hell in the last year as a family, but we found our way and in the process became even closer.  We'll head into 2012 not bypassing the memories or feelings that will long be with us but we'll be keeping the beat alive to keep living a good life.