On the Go

For the last several months the boys and I have been busy.  Very busy.  Going from place to place or having visitors up north, I don't think there has been one weekend since the new year where we have been on our own.  It has been good for all of us or so it would seem.  After all, by going all the time you "keep busy."  You can release your mind from the constant reminder of where you really are in life.

The last ten days, we have been on the go nonstop.  We were down in Virginia first, then the boys went to CT to stay with Doug's parents while I went to work in MA for the week.  Seeing friends and family was well worth it and wonderful.  I was able to spend 10 days connecting with old friends and family everywhere we went.  It amounted to ten straight days of laughing and having a great time, feeling much like a normal person again.  Ten straight days of not facing the reality of my life.  Returning back home to VT today, and settling back into our home, the home that Doug and I bought as part of our dream, I want to run for the road again.  I feel like an addict of sorts, knowing that laughter and good times can pull me away from what is still so fresh and too real a reality.  But, as I take a step back, I know I can not and should not run from these feelings.  I am admittedly too level headed to know that they will not go away and that while it might feel good for the moment to keep trying to dodge them, I need to stop going. I need to feel.

People have a lot of assumptions about grief - how it should feel, look and how long it should last.  I don't profess to have any better understanding than anyone else out there.  I'm not sure grief ever goes away, but rather morphs into different feelings along the way.  As we approach nearly seven months out from Doug's passing, some people assume I should be doing fine now and the days should be easy.  Others don't understand how I can get out of bed everyday, work, travel, cook, clean, raise our two kids and occasionally find time for myself.  I assume nothing and still take each day as it comes.  I can't run and hide from this much as I would like to some days.  Grief is personal and I need to listen to my mind and body - it is still sound.  Right now, they are saying laughter and good times with friends are good for me as there will be plenty of days to keep me in check.  Today is case in point.

On the Go Part II:

> aml is just one week shy of when Doug started it last year.  He was skeptical to start it, but then found that like so many other times in his life, writing was cathartic and energized him.   I always liked to write as well and found the blog to be an easy outlet to keep everyone connected on the "adventure." Now almost a year later, the blog with its 67 followers, has had 16,150 page views as of today.  Visits have come from the US, UK, Germany, Netherlands, Russia, Ukraine, Ireland, France, Austria and Canada.

The Blog has continued to serve as a way for me to communicate how we are managing to come out  > aml and ways in which we are keeping Doug's memory alive.  Just about five months ago, we posted the Memorial Endowment information we had decided on as a family to keep Doug's memory present for many years to come.  Outside of the two endowments, there are several people running races in Doug's memory, the VT ASLA (American Society of Landscape Architects) is starting a lecture series in his name, and a bench is being placed in his memory at the Fletcher Allen Hospital green roof he designed for their new Radiation/Oncology Center.  The green roof was completed a few months before Doug was diagnosed with Leukemia and became a patient at Fletcher Allen himself.

The support for the endowments has been incredible.  While so many who gave are not "followers" of the blog,  I am hoping they might check in periodically to see where their support has brought us:

Xavier Scholarship:  The Doug Crowell Memorial Scholarship is currently endowed at $16,000.  Family, friends and Xavier were overwhelmed by the generosity of a family Doug had worked with professionally in the past. They contributed significantly to his scholarship and included an incredibly touching note capturing the essence of Doug so beautifully. Xavier will be able to start administrating the Scholarship in Doug's name in the coming school year and for years to come.

Green Mountain Club Long Trail Shelter:  The Endowment for the Green Mountain Shelter is currently at $10,900.  The goal is $15,000 to have the Shelter placed in Doug's memory.  We are getting there, and again the family has been touched by the number of people who have given to the fund.  Some who have only met Doug once, others who have only heard stories, yet felt a strong enough connection to work with us towards making this happen.  As Doug loved physical pursuits and pushing himself hard, we have thrown around some fund raising ideas to make the Shelter happen.  It would be a way to get us all on the mountains and get his named etched on a Shelter for a lifetime.